Hopes & Fears

I spent this past weekend with my older brother, secluded in a tiny cabin the mountains just outside of Santa Cruz. For those who don’t know where Santa Cruz is, it’s on the California coast, somewhere between Los Angles and “The City” (Not “San Fran,” not “Frisco,” but “the City”). The whole purpose of the weekend was to keep a fire going in the wood-burning stove so we didn’t freeze to death and work on a feature-length script.

The second draft is beginning to shape up and this time around it includes some “holiday” themes. This, and the fact that Christmas is rapidly approaching, trained my mind back on a thought I was musing over recently.

“The hopes and fears of all the years are met in thee tonight.” It’s interesting how hopes and fears can be tied up in the same thing. Jesus coming into our lives brings fulfillment to both of these elements of our spiritual lives.

We hope, so desperately, for the freedom that He brings, yet at the same time we are afraid of what that will mean and the change that will bring to the comfort of the lives we lead. Freedom comes at a high price to the status quo. That seems like an obvious one, yet it’s as if people think that bringing radical change into their lives will only mean radical change to the parts that they didn’t like very much to begin with. The hopes and fears are met in the same body.

The fears may sound like a very negative aspect of what Jesus is supposedly all about. But when you think about it, they are only fears because we name them so. They are not fears because they are inherently bad or scary. They are fears because we’ve grown used to the way things are and fear that we won’t be able to survive any kind of change.

“Let my lungs issue the resounding cry: ‘I love you, Lord. My Papa. My Brother. My Intimate Friend. I desire you and crave you invading every aspect of who I am. Take my hopes and fears and transform them both in the light of your love.’” – The Adopted One

Here’s another photo from the drive home, somewhere between LA and “The City”.

Faith, Hope, Love,
Ry

Quotes: The C.S. Lewis Edition

Well, friends… after several months of silence and some gentle prodding from some of you (you know who you are… Jim and Stef), I really felt like it’s high time for me to write something. It’s been quite a busy few months (which is just the kind of excuse you were expecting, right?). Well, to quote Nickel Creek, “Others have excuses, I have my reasons why.”

There’s the first quote. The first of many for this post. Now, you may be thinking that this is sort of a copout, doing a whole blog post of quotes. You may say to yourself, “After three months shouldn’t he have something original to say?” Well, maybe you’re right. But! But! Over the last three months I’ve read some pretty good books and heard some pretty good words from pretty good people. About three months ago I started carrying around a “quote book.” It’s just a little notebook that I carry around in my pocket all the time so I can write down whatever I feel like, whenever I feel like it. So I’ll empty some of the contents here.


Quote One:
“Now the Enemy’s philosophy is nothing more nor less than one continued attempt to evade this very obvious truth. He aims at a contradiction. Things are to be many, yet somehow also one. The good of one self is to be the good of another. This impossibility He calls Love, and this same monotonous panacea can be detected under all He does and even all He is – or claims to be. Thus He is not content, even Himself, to be a sheer arithmetical unity; He claims to be three as well as one, in order that this nonsense about love may find a foothold in His own nature.” - the elder demon in C.S. Lewis’ The Screwtape Letters.

This just struck me as an awesome reminder of who God is and what He desires. That the relationship love that He has created us for is something that He lives out within Himself all the time. This is one of the favorite quotes of a band called "lessthanthree."


Quote Two:
“I have come home at last! This is my real country! I belong here. This is the place I have been looking for all my life, though I never knew it till now. The reason why we loved the old Narnia is that it sometimes looked a little like this. Bree-hee-hee! Come further up, come further in!” – Jewel the unicorn in C.S. Lewis’ The Last Battle.

Jon Foreman borrowed from this for the Switchfoot song “This Is Home” in Prince Caspian. It’s just so amazingly hopeful! The things that we find beautiful in this life, the things that fill us with any sense of longing, are just the faintest whispers of what we were created for.


Well... hopefully I'll post some more soon!

Faith, hope, love,
Ry

You Alone

This is something that's been on my heart for a while now. I wrote the lyric to this sometime last March. About a week ago I figured out some music to go with it. Playing and listening to this have been hugely encouraging to me in a somewhat difficult season personally. It's very rough and I'll be the first to admit I don't know how to sing, but hopefully you can find some encouragement in it as well. Remember that God is good.



(1st Verse)
G ---------------------------------D
From the ends of the earth I call to you
Em -------------------------C
I call as my heart grows faint
G ------------------------------D
Lead me to the rock that is higher than I
Em ------------------------------C
For you have been my refuge and strength

(Bridge)
D
Where the morning dawns
Em
And the evening fades
C ------------------------ C
You call forth songs of joy
D
So with humble hands
C
And a trembling heart
D ------------ C ------------ C
To you I lift my voice

(1st Chorus)
-------------- G
For you are all that I have
-------------- D
You are all that I love
Em
The breath that I breathe
C
And the life in my blood
------------- G
You are all that I want
------------- D
And you’re all that I need
Em
To me you mean life
C
And a life that’s complete
Em ----C -- Em ----- C ----- Em ----- C
I need… you alone

(2nd Verse)
G ----------------------------- D
From the edge of myself I lift this song
Em ------------------- C
And let go of all of me
G ------------------------ D
Give me a peace that is past my sight
Em ----------------------- C
Until you are all that I see

G ---------------------------- D
Give life to my legs and I’ll run to you
Em ---------------------------------- C
As you quicken my heart’s every beat
G -------------------------------- D
You’ve given me love without compromise
Em ------------------------ C --------------------- C
And a promise that you’ll never leave

(2nd Chorus)
---------- G
You are all that I have
---------- D
You are all that I love
Em
The breath that I breathe
C
And the cry in my lungs
------------- G
You’re my day and my night
------- D
My future and past
Em
All else will fade
C -------------------------- C
Where you alone last
Em ----- C --- Em ---- C
And I need… you alone

D ---------------------- C (or Em)
Sing songs of praise, sing songs of praise
D (or C) -------------------- C
Great is the lord who has done all these things (x2)

OR

D ------------------------ C
Great is the lord and great is his name
Great is the lord who has broken our chains
Great is the lord who does marvelous things

Yo Aprendo

Sorry for the lack of posts recently... no good excuses. Here's something currently on my heart...


True love is so hard to come by, because in order for true love to exist something else needs to be present; something that can be extremely difficult, painful, and scary. In order for true, real, no-holds-barred love to actually exist, honesty and truth need to be the most dominant characteristics of the relationship. I guess the emphasis would be placed on TRUE love. There’s a reason why we call it that after all.

Some of the adverse effects of this are evident in the “love” that we don’t talk about. Holding something inside can be extremely dishonest. The truth is something that must be lived out, and hidden love, in some ways, is just as much a lie as something seemingly more blatant. In my own experience (which may not hold a whole lot of weight), love is held back or kept inside for one main reason: fear. I know that in my life I have been afraid of speaking honestly and openly about feelings and emotions and dreams because I am afraid that everything that I’ve been secretly hoping for will fall to pieces the instant I open my mouth. (Again, note that this observation is not backed by a whole lot of experience.) “There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear.” I John 4:18, or so. That ought to be a big clue right there. If I’m looking for love perfected, I’m most likely not going to find it in a place of holding on for the fear of losing something that isn’t even real yet to begin with.

It’s well quoted, but that’s for a reason, it bears repeating, “…love rejoices with the truth.” I Corinthians 13:6-ish. Yo aprendo.

I’m learning… slowly.


[Thanks to the friend who helped me learn this one.]

Lovers and the Storm

My head was down with the silent moon
When I heard the words, you’re coming soon
And the sky above did not seem quite so gray
As the dark of night gave way to red of day

The red sunrise told me it was true
And in your eyes I could see it too
Now if love’s a storm I’m in the pouring rain
You’re like a ship amidst the pounding waves

Now all that I can say
Is I need your help
And the love that I have found
With nobody else

My heart was found in the storm’s pale light
And I clutched the hands that held me tight
You knew that I would leave again
Yet you swore you’d love me to the end

Now all that I can say
Is I need your help
And the love that I have found
With nobody else

How dark the secrets of my heart
I love the things I’ve torn apart
I embrace the things I’ve come to hate
While I choose my course and call it fate

Yet as I wait for red sunset
The waves remove my last regret
They carry me into the night
Where I see the stars… for the first time

Now all that I can feel
Is your gentle touch
As you draw me close and whisper
That you are enough

These Hands

Your love, love
Your love bears all things
Blood, your blood
Your blood covers all shames

And I don’t do anything
That deserves
Anything better
Than death’s final curse
But you
Touch
My leprous hands
And whisper you are enough

Your love, love
Your love bears all things
Blood, your blood
Your blood covers all shames



Journal Entry: 01/31/2005 “Guilty Hands”

Can you clean these guilty hands?
Can you wash this lying tongue?
Can you shelter this wicked heart
From the storm?

Everything I have and haven’t done
Has lead to my remorse
After all these years
And all the shed tears
Oh, everything I have is yours

Can you shield these sinner’s eyes?
Can you hold this lost boy’s hand?
Can you heal these broken limbs
And make them stand?

Oh, it feels like everything I have
Is everything you hate
And all that I’ve to offer
Is a list of mistakes

But you take my guilty hand
You crown my sinner’s head
And when all I deserve is shame
You love me instead

Can you fix this broken heart?
Can you heal this fighter’s wounds?
After all I thought I fought
I was only fighting you

Everything I have and haven’t done
Has lead to my remorse
After all these years
And all the shed tears
Oh, everything I have is yours
Every piece of my heart
Every drop of my blood
Everything that I hate
And all I love

Plans

I feel that, more than ever, the song of my heart has become "I need thee, I need thee, I need thee every hour."  I feel desperate for something to hold onto while I become more and more persuaded that all I need is to let go.  I'm at a point in my journey where something major needs to happen and I have this sense that, whatever it is, it will require, and account for, a huge amount of growth.

I know that in order to fully rely on my Father it will be necessary to let so many other hopes die; all the ones that I think I can realize on my own strength and by my own merit.  "For I know the plans I have for you."  Is my plan really important?  Do I really think that my plan will work out better?

I want to be able to say that I've got no plans, only trust.  I don't want hidden motives or buried emotions.  I'm caught at a crossroads between caring more than I ever have before and letting go of everything that I've ever cared about.

I guess it's the uncertainty that scares me.  I feel that if I let go and give up control I won't ever be certain about anything.  Maybe that's the point.  Maybe I only have to be certain about one thing, that He loves me.  He loves me more than I could ever love Him or anyone else; more than anyone else could ever love me!

Why do I long so much for someone else to love me and yet show such wanton disregard for the love that is already mine, waiting to be experienced?  How fickle is my heart.  "I need thee every hour, teach me thy will, and thy rich promises in me fulfill."

"For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for wholeness and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope." Jeremiah 29:11

Love never fails.

A Living Hope

Today I heard, Don't put your hope in things that won't last.  It's true that hope is one of the best things, one of the best!  It's one of the three; faith, hope and love abide.  But, misguided hope is truly dangerous.  If I place my hope in things that will die, my hope will die.  And when it does, it shakes the ground on which the other two stand.  I doubt my faith and I doubt that love is really true and really for me.

First Peter talks about a living hope.  Imagine that, a hope that not only can't die, but a hope that is actually alive and awake and beating with your own heartbeat and whispering mysteries.  God, I need that!  I can't go on without that.

I've recently come to a place of watching hopes die, and forcing myself to put some to death, if not for good, at least for a time.  I'm slowly recognizing that some were hopes that I never should have had in the first place.  I desire to walk with God as if nothing else matters, yet my heart seems to get pulled in so many different directions.  Pulled and pulled hard.

I begin to hope for certain outcomes and certain experiences.  I feel so many if onlys.  If only I could, if only she would, if only it did.  They all point to one thing, I will never be satisfied.  I place my hope in things that fail me and then I begin to doubt my heart and I look on it as a traitor.  It made me hope for the thing that would never happen, it made me want the thing that I shouldn't, or am not ready, to have.

My heart tells me its desires and wants me to pursue them because it does not trust.  It views so many things as objects of pursuit that it can't possibly pursue them all.  It tries.  It tries to chase down every hint of something that will possibly satisfy and it ends up pulling itself apart.  I want satisfaction and I want fulfillment and at times it feels like there are so many things that I need in order to get there.  So many things.

One thing.

Really.  It doesn't sound at all likely, or even possible.  Just one thing.  A living hope.  A living hope that cannot die... because it already did.  One thing.  I repeat it to my heart, just one.  It means letting go of all the others, the ones that feel so good and so right and wind up killing me.

For his birthday my brother got a CD with a song that says, "In your presence, God, I'm completely satisfied."  One thing.  Seek it first and everything else will come.  All these things may be good.  At their core they are hope.  But are they part of the one hope?  When I seek them first I arrive at their conclusion, which is death.

I want one thing and one thing only, to love God with all my heart, soul, strength, and mind.  Because hope is good, and so is faith, but the greatest is love.

Love never fails.

We Cry

We cry because we’re selfish

And we want what we can’t have

When we find a friend or lover

Is never coming back

It’s not because they’ll miss out

Or their life just came up short

But rather we’ll never touch them

And never feel their warmth

 

So if I tell you do not cry for me

I know that you won’t

You’ll cry for all the memories we have

And the future that we don’t

 

We cry because we’re empty

And emotionally poor

We cry so we remember the peace

When our hearts have gone to war

We cry ‘cause we don’t want to feel

And because we feel it all

We cry so we don’t have to get up again

Every time we fall

 

So I’ll tell you do not cry for hope

‘Cause hope always finds a way

To make each teardrop beautiful

In the sorrows of today

 

We cry because we’re broken

And we can’t change a thing

When the person we’re most unlike

Is the one we need to be

We cry and we don’t know why

We just pray we’re not alone

And we count the many reasons

Why we fear we’ll never be known

 

So if I tell you do not cry for love

Because love will bear all things

Don’t let your heart break under pain

If that’s what the future brings

Soon

When I come back I will be

Better for having gone

With your eyes you told me

You thought I was wrong

I know that life gets harder

Before it opens up

I know the sky gets darker

Before the night gives up

I know that hope is stronger

Than these boyhood wounds

And we won't wait much longer

Because it's coming soon

And we          won't hold it inside

Anymore,      anymore

And we've     no need to hide

Anymore,      anymore

When I'm gone I'll still hear

Every word you said

When I sleep I will dream

I'm sleeping in your bed

I know this pain is part of

My own emptiness

I know I'm at the start of

Finding what I've missed

I know that love is stronger

Than these empty rooms

And we won't wait much longer

Because it's coming soon

And we          won't hold it inside

Anymore,      anymore

And we've     no need to hide

Anymore,      anymore

Anymore,      anymore

I know the past is full of

All of our mistakes

And the more we dwell on it

The more it takes

I know I have a hunger

And I thirst for you

But sometimes I wonder

If we'll make it through

I know my faith is stronger

Than this doubt of wounds

But if I touch your hands I'll

Know that you're coming soon

And we          won't hold it inside

Anymore,      anymore

And we've     no need to hide

Anymore,      anymore

And we          won't hold it inside

Anymore,      anymore

And we've     no need to hide

Anymore,      anymore

I know that hope is stronger

Than these boyhood wounds

And we won't wait much longer

Because it's coming soon

Old Journal Entries: Vol. IV

Journal Entry: 7/4/2007 “In My Own Company”

I feel like I’m much more insightful by myself.  I have a better understanding of people and the world when I’m alone.  I have a better understanding of who I am.

When I’m by myself, out running, riding in the mountains, driving for miles in solitude, I feel like I know me.  I get around others and I’m not sure what I’m supposed to be.  I want that to change.

Tonight Lace asked me what type of personality I have, whether I’m better in groups, or one on one.  I don’t know.  I rarely spend time alone with one other person.  It made me wonder how I would be on a date.  Am I the kind of person that someone would just want to get away from, or could I actually communicate on a meaningful level?

I feel the main draw or appeal of a one on one relationship, as shared by a boyfriend and girlfriend, is that you’re aware that this one other person finds you fascinating.  Man!  Wouldn’t that be neat?  To know that at least one other person thinks that you are more interesting than all the other people?  I can hardly wait!

Old Journal Entries: Vol. III

Journal Entry: 3/20/2007 “After a Hard Day on Set”

I’ve been thinking about stories.  It seems that so much these days fails to connect with what I feel is a good story.  I was wondering what it is that I feel makes a good story.  There’s no formula, but there is a goal.  I was having a really rough weekend, just physically exhausting and I came across this during a break from my work, “We went through fire and water, but you brought us to a place of abundance.”  A poet named David wrote that in a song that’s now known as Psalm 66.

It stood out to me for a couple reasons.  The first being that I had waded across a river twice that day as part of work, so going through water was fresh in my mind.  And the other reason was how I have been thinking about stories recently.  It seems that so much of what I’m taught about storytelling focuses entirely on the conflict and tension of the journey with little emphasis placed on the ending.  This line hit home because it seemed to sum up what I feel stories should be; pain and struggle ending in redemption.

Life isn’t much good without hope.  It seems to me that the stories that I connect with the most are the ones that end in redemption and instill a sense of hope in their audience.  Good triumphs over evil.  The pain of the journey was worth it because it ended in a place of abundance.  Love overcomes all obstacles and hate is left to wallow in the wayside.

I never felt the place of abundance this weekend.  I went through the water, read this, felt encouraged, and then headed into the fire.  Things got harder, but the hope stayed with me.  Many people would say that life’s not about happy endings and I would agree that things often end up pretty shitty. But is it that life isn’t about happy endings or is it that we don’t believe in them?

My thought is that the pain and the struggle do exist, the fire and the water are real, but equally real is the redemption; the place of abundance.  I feel that good stories are the ones that show the struggle of the journey ending in the joy of the destination.

Old Journal Entries: Vol. II

Journal Entry: 3/14/2007 “Psalm 61 and 65”

(1st Verse)
From the ends of the earth I call to you
I call as my heart grows faint
Lead me to the rock that is higher than I
For you have been my refuge and strength

(Bridge)
Where the morning dawns
And the evening fades
You call forth songs of joy
So with humble hands
And a trembling heart
To you I lift my voice

(1st Chorus)
For you are all that I have
You are all that I love
The breath that I breathe
And the life in my blood
You are all that I want
And you’re all that I need
To me you mean life
And a life that’s complete
I need… you alone

(2nd Verse)
From the edge of myself I lift this song
And let go of all of me
Give me a peace that is past my mind
For in you alone I am free

(Bridge)
Where the morning dawns
And the evening fades
You call forth songs of joy
So with humble hands
And a trembling heart
To you I lift my voice

(2nd Chorus)
You are all that I have
You are all that I love
The breath that I breathe
And the cry in my lungs
You’re my day and my night
My future and past
All else will fade
Where you alone last
And I need… you alone

Sing songs of praise, sing songs of praise
Great is the lord who has done all these things (x2)

Old Journal Entries: Vol. I

I’m getting close to the end of my current journal, one I’ve had for over a year now, and before I put it away and move on I wanted to comb through its pages and see what the past has to offer.

Journal Entry: 12/23/2006 “After a Christmas Party”
I want to say something interesting, something close to your heart that touches a piece of who you are. I want to talk with you about something meaningful or important, but when I stand next to you all I can think to do is sigh and pretend that I’m tired. When I do talk I wind up finishing every sentence with “but, yeah…” which is pretty stupid and annoying in and of itself.

I would like you to think that I have some kind of depth, at least a little. But even by myself I have a hard time understanding who, exactly, I am. I know that you can’t find out for me, you can’t even find out for yourself if I don’t know. I want to connect in some meaningful way, but I have no idea how to do that if I can’t even connect with myself.

Shouldn’t I feel more confident around you? When I’m around others it’s easier to be cool, casual, clear, communicative. You are the only one who makes me feel insecure and a little bit stupid. I feel like Tom Sawyer doing cartwheels to try to impress Becky, but, instead of being cool, I keep falling on my face.