Old Journal Entries: Vol. I

I’m getting close to the end of my current journal, one I’ve had for over a year now, and before I put it away and move on I wanted to comb through its pages and see what the past has to offer.

Journal Entry: 12/23/2006 “After a Christmas Party”
I want to say something interesting, something close to your heart that touches a piece of who you are. I want to talk with you about something meaningful or important, but when I stand next to you all I can think to do is sigh and pretend that I’m tired. When I do talk I wind up finishing every sentence with “but, yeah…” which is pretty stupid and annoying in and of itself.

I would like you to think that I have some kind of depth, at least a little. But even by myself I have a hard time understanding who, exactly, I am. I know that you can’t find out for me, you can’t even find out for yourself if I don’t know. I want to connect in some meaningful way, but I have no idea how to do that if I can’t even connect with myself.

Shouldn’t I feel more confident around you? When I’m around others it’s easier to be cool, casual, clear, communicative. You are the only one who makes me feel insecure and a little bit stupid. I feel like Tom Sawyer doing cartwheels to try to impress Becky, but, instead of being cool, I keep falling on my face.