Lovers and the Storm

My head was down with the silent moon
When I heard the words, you’re coming soon
And the sky above did not seem quite so gray
As the dark of night gave way to red of day

The red sunrise told me it was true
And in your eyes I could see it too
Now if love’s a storm I’m in the pouring rain
You’re like a ship amidst the pounding waves

Now all that I can say
Is I need your help
And the love that I have found
With nobody else

My heart was found in the storm’s pale light
And I clutched the hands that held me tight
You knew that I would leave again
Yet you swore you’d love me to the end

Now all that I can say
Is I need your help
And the love that I have found
With nobody else

How dark the secrets of my heart
I love the things I’ve torn apart
I embrace the things I’ve come to hate
While I choose my course and call it fate

Yet as I wait for red sunset
The waves remove my last regret
They carry me into the night
Where I see the stars… for the first time

Now all that I can feel
Is your gentle touch
As you draw me close and whisper
That you are enough

These Hands

Your love, love
Your love bears all things
Blood, your blood
Your blood covers all shames

And I don’t do anything
That deserves
Anything better
Than death’s final curse
But you
Touch
My leprous hands
And whisper you are enough

Your love, love
Your love bears all things
Blood, your blood
Your blood covers all shames



Journal Entry: 01/31/2005 “Guilty Hands”

Can you clean these guilty hands?
Can you wash this lying tongue?
Can you shelter this wicked heart
From the storm?

Everything I have and haven’t done
Has lead to my remorse
After all these years
And all the shed tears
Oh, everything I have is yours

Can you shield these sinner’s eyes?
Can you hold this lost boy’s hand?
Can you heal these broken limbs
And make them stand?

Oh, it feels like everything I have
Is everything you hate
And all that I’ve to offer
Is a list of mistakes

But you take my guilty hand
You crown my sinner’s head
And when all I deserve is shame
You love me instead

Can you fix this broken heart?
Can you heal this fighter’s wounds?
After all I thought I fought
I was only fighting you

Everything I have and haven’t done
Has lead to my remorse
After all these years
And all the shed tears
Oh, everything I have is yours
Every piece of my heart
Every drop of my blood
Everything that I hate
And all I love

Plans

I feel that, more than ever, the song of my heart has become "I need thee, I need thee, I need thee every hour."  I feel desperate for something to hold onto while I become more and more persuaded that all I need is to let go.  I'm at a point in my journey where something major needs to happen and I have this sense that, whatever it is, it will require, and account for, a huge amount of growth.

I know that in order to fully rely on my Father it will be necessary to let so many other hopes die; all the ones that I think I can realize on my own strength and by my own merit.  "For I know the plans I have for you."  Is my plan really important?  Do I really think that my plan will work out better?

I want to be able to say that I've got no plans, only trust.  I don't want hidden motives or buried emotions.  I'm caught at a crossroads between caring more than I ever have before and letting go of everything that I've ever cared about.

I guess it's the uncertainty that scares me.  I feel that if I let go and give up control I won't ever be certain about anything.  Maybe that's the point.  Maybe I only have to be certain about one thing, that He loves me.  He loves me more than I could ever love Him or anyone else; more than anyone else could ever love me!

Why do I long so much for someone else to love me and yet show such wanton disregard for the love that is already mine, waiting to be experienced?  How fickle is my heart.  "I need thee every hour, teach me thy will, and thy rich promises in me fulfill."

"For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for wholeness and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope." Jeremiah 29:11

Love never fails.

A Living Hope

Today I heard, Don't put your hope in things that won't last.  It's true that hope is one of the best things, one of the best!  It's one of the three; faith, hope and love abide.  But, misguided hope is truly dangerous.  If I place my hope in things that will die, my hope will die.  And when it does, it shakes the ground on which the other two stand.  I doubt my faith and I doubt that love is really true and really for me.

First Peter talks about a living hope.  Imagine that, a hope that not only can't die, but a hope that is actually alive and awake and beating with your own heartbeat and whispering mysteries.  God, I need that!  I can't go on without that.

I've recently come to a place of watching hopes die, and forcing myself to put some to death, if not for good, at least for a time.  I'm slowly recognizing that some were hopes that I never should have had in the first place.  I desire to walk with God as if nothing else matters, yet my heart seems to get pulled in so many different directions.  Pulled and pulled hard.

I begin to hope for certain outcomes and certain experiences.  I feel so many if onlys.  If only I could, if only she would, if only it did.  They all point to one thing, I will never be satisfied.  I place my hope in things that fail me and then I begin to doubt my heart and I look on it as a traitor.  It made me hope for the thing that would never happen, it made me want the thing that I shouldn't, or am not ready, to have.

My heart tells me its desires and wants me to pursue them because it does not trust.  It views so many things as objects of pursuit that it can't possibly pursue them all.  It tries.  It tries to chase down every hint of something that will possibly satisfy and it ends up pulling itself apart.  I want satisfaction and I want fulfillment and at times it feels like there are so many things that I need in order to get there.  So many things.

One thing.

Really.  It doesn't sound at all likely, or even possible.  Just one thing.  A living hope.  A living hope that cannot die... because it already did.  One thing.  I repeat it to my heart, just one.  It means letting go of all the others, the ones that feel so good and so right and wind up killing me.

For his birthday my brother got a CD with a song that says, "In your presence, God, I'm completely satisfied."  One thing.  Seek it first and everything else will come.  All these things may be good.  At their core they are hope.  But are they part of the one hope?  When I seek them first I arrive at their conclusion, which is death.

I want one thing and one thing only, to love God with all my heart, soul, strength, and mind.  Because hope is good, and so is faith, but the greatest is love.

Love never fails.

We Cry

We cry because we’re selfish

And we want what we can’t have

When we find a friend or lover

Is never coming back

It’s not because they’ll miss out

Or their life just came up short

But rather we’ll never touch them

And never feel their warmth

 

So if I tell you do not cry for me

I know that you won’t

You’ll cry for all the memories we have

And the future that we don’t

 

We cry because we’re empty

And emotionally poor

We cry so we remember the peace

When our hearts have gone to war

We cry ‘cause we don’t want to feel

And because we feel it all

We cry so we don’t have to get up again

Every time we fall

 

So I’ll tell you do not cry for hope

‘Cause hope always finds a way

To make each teardrop beautiful

In the sorrows of today

 

We cry because we’re broken

And we can’t change a thing

When the person we’re most unlike

Is the one we need to be

We cry and we don’t know why

We just pray we’re not alone

And we count the many reasons

Why we fear we’ll never be known

 

So if I tell you do not cry for love

Because love will bear all things

Don’t let your heart break under pain

If that’s what the future brings

Soon

When I come back I will be

Better for having gone

With your eyes you told me

You thought I was wrong

I know that life gets harder

Before it opens up

I know the sky gets darker

Before the night gives up

I know that hope is stronger

Than these boyhood wounds

And we won't wait much longer

Because it's coming soon

And we          won't hold it inside

Anymore,      anymore

And we've     no need to hide

Anymore,      anymore

When I'm gone I'll still hear

Every word you said

When I sleep I will dream

I'm sleeping in your bed

I know this pain is part of

My own emptiness

I know I'm at the start of

Finding what I've missed

I know that love is stronger

Than these empty rooms

And we won't wait much longer

Because it's coming soon

And we          won't hold it inside

Anymore,      anymore

And we've     no need to hide

Anymore,      anymore

Anymore,      anymore

I know the past is full of

All of our mistakes

And the more we dwell on it

The more it takes

I know I have a hunger

And I thirst for you

But sometimes I wonder

If we'll make it through

I know my faith is stronger

Than this doubt of wounds

But if I touch your hands I'll

Know that you're coming soon

And we          won't hold it inside

Anymore,      anymore

And we've     no need to hide

Anymore,      anymore

And we          won't hold it inside

Anymore,      anymore

And we've     no need to hide

Anymore,      anymore

I know that hope is stronger

Than these boyhood wounds

And we won't wait much longer

Because it's coming soon

Old Journal Entries: Vol. IV

Journal Entry: 7/4/2007 “In My Own Company”

I feel like I’m much more insightful by myself.  I have a better understanding of people and the world when I’m alone.  I have a better understanding of who I am.

When I’m by myself, out running, riding in the mountains, driving for miles in solitude, I feel like I know me.  I get around others and I’m not sure what I’m supposed to be.  I want that to change.

Tonight Lace asked me what type of personality I have, whether I’m better in groups, or one on one.  I don’t know.  I rarely spend time alone with one other person.  It made me wonder how I would be on a date.  Am I the kind of person that someone would just want to get away from, or could I actually communicate on a meaningful level?

I feel the main draw or appeal of a one on one relationship, as shared by a boyfriend and girlfriend, is that you’re aware that this one other person finds you fascinating.  Man!  Wouldn’t that be neat?  To know that at least one other person thinks that you are more interesting than all the other people?  I can hardly wait!