Hopes & Fears

I spent this past weekend with my older brother, secluded in a tiny cabin the mountains just outside of Santa Cruz. For those who don’t know where Santa Cruz is, it’s on the California coast, somewhere between Los Angles and “The City” (Not “San Fran,” not “Frisco,” but “the City”). The whole purpose of the weekend was to keep a fire going in the wood-burning stove so we didn’t freeze to death and work on a feature-length script.

The second draft is beginning to shape up and this time around it includes some “holiday” themes. This, and the fact that Christmas is rapidly approaching, trained my mind back on a thought I was musing over recently.

“The hopes and fears of all the years are met in thee tonight.” It’s interesting how hopes and fears can be tied up in the same thing. Jesus coming into our lives brings fulfillment to both of these elements of our spiritual lives.

We hope, so desperately, for the freedom that He brings, yet at the same time we are afraid of what that will mean and the change that will bring to the comfort of the lives we lead. Freedom comes at a high price to the status quo. That seems like an obvious one, yet it’s as if people think that bringing radical change into their lives will only mean radical change to the parts that they didn’t like very much to begin with. The hopes and fears are met in the same body.

The fears may sound like a very negative aspect of what Jesus is supposedly all about. But when you think about it, they are only fears because we name them so. They are not fears because they are inherently bad or scary. They are fears because we’ve grown used to the way things are and fear that we won’t be able to survive any kind of change.

“Let my lungs issue the resounding cry: ‘I love you, Lord. My Papa. My Brother. My Intimate Friend. I desire you and crave you invading every aspect of who I am. Take my hopes and fears and transform them both in the light of your love.’” – The Adopted One

Here’s another photo from the drive home, somewhere between LA and “The City”.

Faith, Hope, Love,
Ry

Quotes: The C.S. Lewis Edition

Well, friends… after several months of silence and some gentle prodding from some of you (you know who you are… Jim and Stef), I really felt like it’s high time for me to write something. It’s been quite a busy few months (which is just the kind of excuse you were expecting, right?). Well, to quote Nickel Creek, “Others have excuses, I have my reasons why.”

There’s the first quote. The first of many for this post. Now, you may be thinking that this is sort of a copout, doing a whole blog post of quotes. You may say to yourself, “After three months shouldn’t he have something original to say?” Well, maybe you’re right. But! But! Over the last three months I’ve read some pretty good books and heard some pretty good words from pretty good people. About three months ago I started carrying around a “quote book.” It’s just a little notebook that I carry around in my pocket all the time so I can write down whatever I feel like, whenever I feel like it. So I’ll empty some of the contents here.


Quote One:
“Now the Enemy’s philosophy is nothing more nor less than one continued attempt to evade this very obvious truth. He aims at a contradiction. Things are to be many, yet somehow also one. The good of one self is to be the good of another. This impossibility He calls Love, and this same monotonous panacea can be detected under all He does and even all He is – or claims to be. Thus He is not content, even Himself, to be a sheer arithmetical unity; He claims to be three as well as one, in order that this nonsense about love may find a foothold in His own nature.” - the elder demon in C.S. Lewis’ The Screwtape Letters.

This just struck me as an awesome reminder of who God is and what He desires. That the relationship love that He has created us for is something that He lives out within Himself all the time. This is one of the favorite quotes of a band called "lessthanthree."


Quote Two:
“I have come home at last! This is my real country! I belong here. This is the place I have been looking for all my life, though I never knew it till now. The reason why we loved the old Narnia is that it sometimes looked a little like this. Bree-hee-hee! Come further up, come further in!” – Jewel the unicorn in C.S. Lewis’ The Last Battle.

Jon Foreman borrowed from this for the Switchfoot song “This Is Home” in Prince Caspian. It’s just so amazingly hopeful! The things that we find beautiful in this life, the things that fill us with any sense of longing, are just the faintest whispers of what we were created for.


Well... hopefully I'll post some more soon!

Faith, hope, love,
Ry

You Alone

This is something that's been on my heart for a while now. I wrote the lyric to this sometime last March. About a week ago I figured out some music to go with it. Playing and listening to this have been hugely encouraging to me in a somewhat difficult season personally. It's very rough and I'll be the first to admit I don't know how to sing, but hopefully you can find some encouragement in it as well. Remember that God is good.



(1st Verse)
G ---------------------------------D
From the ends of the earth I call to you
Em -------------------------C
I call as my heart grows faint
G ------------------------------D
Lead me to the rock that is higher than I
Em ------------------------------C
For you have been my refuge and strength

(Bridge)
D
Where the morning dawns
Em
And the evening fades
C ------------------------ C
You call forth songs of joy
D
So with humble hands
C
And a trembling heart
D ------------ C ------------ C
To you I lift my voice

(1st Chorus)
-------------- G
For you are all that I have
-------------- D
You are all that I love
Em
The breath that I breathe
C
And the life in my blood
------------- G
You are all that I want
------------- D
And you’re all that I need
Em
To me you mean life
C
And a life that’s complete
Em ----C -- Em ----- C ----- Em ----- C
I need… you alone

(2nd Verse)
G ----------------------------- D
From the edge of myself I lift this song
Em ------------------- C
And let go of all of me
G ------------------------ D
Give me a peace that is past my sight
Em ----------------------- C
Until you are all that I see

G ---------------------------- D
Give life to my legs and I’ll run to you
Em ---------------------------------- C
As you quicken my heart’s every beat
G -------------------------------- D
You’ve given me love without compromise
Em ------------------------ C --------------------- C
And a promise that you’ll never leave

(2nd Chorus)
---------- G
You are all that I have
---------- D
You are all that I love
Em
The breath that I breathe
C
And the cry in my lungs
------------- G
You’re my day and my night
------- D
My future and past
Em
All else will fade
C -------------------------- C
Where you alone last
Em ----- C --- Em ---- C
And I need… you alone

D ---------------------- C (or Em)
Sing songs of praise, sing songs of praise
D (or C) -------------------- C
Great is the lord who has done all these things (x2)

OR

D ------------------------ C
Great is the lord and great is his name
Great is the lord who has broken our chains
Great is the lord who does marvelous things

Yo Aprendo

Sorry for the lack of posts recently... no good excuses. Here's something currently on my heart...


True love is so hard to come by, because in order for true love to exist something else needs to be present; something that can be extremely difficult, painful, and scary. In order for true, real, no-holds-barred love to actually exist, honesty and truth need to be the most dominant characteristics of the relationship. I guess the emphasis would be placed on TRUE love. There’s a reason why we call it that after all.

Some of the adverse effects of this are evident in the “love” that we don’t talk about. Holding something inside can be extremely dishonest. The truth is something that must be lived out, and hidden love, in some ways, is just as much a lie as something seemingly more blatant. In my own experience (which may not hold a whole lot of weight), love is held back or kept inside for one main reason: fear. I know that in my life I have been afraid of speaking honestly and openly about feelings and emotions and dreams because I am afraid that everything that I’ve been secretly hoping for will fall to pieces the instant I open my mouth. (Again, note that this observation is not backed by a whole lot of experience.) “There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear.” I John 4:18, or so. That ought to be a big clue right there. If I’m looking for love perfected, I’m most likely not going to find it in a place of holding on for the fear of losing something that isn’t even real yet to begin with.

It’s well quoted, but that’s for a reason, it bears repeating, “…love rejoices with the truth.” I Corinthians 13:6-ish. Yo aprendo.

I’m learning… slowly.


[Thanks to the friend who helped me learn this one.]

Lovers and the Storm

My head was down with the silent moon
When I heard the words, you’re coming soon
And the sky above did not seem quite so gray
As the dark of night gave way to red of day

The red sunrise told me it was true
And in your eyes I could see it too
Now if love’s a storm I’m in the pouring rain
You’re like a ship amidst the pounding waves

Now all that I can say
Is I need your help
And the love that I have found
With nobody else

My heart was found in the storm’s pale light
And I clutched the hands that held me tight
You knew that I would leave again
Yet you swore you’d love me to the end

Now all that I can say
Is I need your help
And the love that I have found
With nobody else

How dark the secrets of my heart
I love the things I’ve torn apart
I embrace the things I’ve come to hate
While I choose my course and call it fate

Yet as I wait for red sunset
The waves remove my last regret
They carry me into the night
Where I see the stars… for the first time

Now all that I can feel
Is your gentle touch
As you draw me close and whisper
That you are enough

These Hands

Your love, love
Your love bears all things
Blood, your blood
Your blood covers all shames

And I don’t do anything
That deserves
Anything better
Than death’s final curse
But you
Touch
My leprous hands
And whisper you are enough

Your love, love
Your love bears all things
Blood, your blood
Your blood covers all shames



Journal Entry: 01/31/2005 “Guilty Hands”

Can you clean these guilty hands?
Can you wash this lying tongue?
Can you shelter this wicked heart
From the storm?

Everything I have and haven’t done
Has lead to my remorse
After all these years
And all the shed tears
Oh, everything I have is yours

Can you shield these sinner’s eyes?
Can you hold this lost boy’s hand?
Can you heal these broken limbs
And make them stand?

Oh, it feels like everything I have
Is everything you hate
And all that I’ve to offer
Is a list of mistakes

But you take my guilty hand
You crown my sinner’s head
And when all I deserve is shame
You love me instead

Can you fix this broken heart?
Can you heal this fighter’s wounds?
After all I thought I fought
I was only fighting you

Everything I have and haven’t done
Has lead to my remorse
After all these years
And all the shed tears
Oh, everything I have is yours
Every piece of my heart
Every drop of my blood
Everything that I hate
And all I love

Plans

I feel that, more than ever, the song of my heart has become "I need thee, I need thee, I need thee every hour."  I feel desperate for something to hold onto while I become more and more persuaded that all I need is to let go.  I'm at a point in my journey where something major needs to happen and I have this sense that, whatever it is, it will require, and account for, a huge amount of growth.

I know that in order to fully rely on my Father it will be necessary to let so many other hopes die; all the ones that I think I can realize on my own strength and by my own merit.  "For I know the plans I have for you."  Is my plan really important?  Do I really think that my plan will work out better?

I want to be able to say that I've got no plans, only trust.  I don't want hidden motives or buried emotions.  I'm caught at a crossroads between caring more than I ever have before and letting go of everything that I've ever cared about.

I guess it's the uncertainty that scares me.  I feel that if I let go and give up control I won't ever be certain about anything.  Maybe that's the point.  Maybe I only have to be certain about one thing, that He loves me.  He loves me more than I could ever love Him or anyone else; more than anyone else could ever love me!

Why do I long so much for someone else to love me and yet show such wanton disregard for the love that is already mine, waiting to be experienced?  How fickle is my heart.  "I need thee every hour, teach me thy will, and thy rich promises in me fulfill."

"For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for wholeness and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope." Jeremiah 29:11

Love never fails.